img_5471-1I wanted to share this story to call myself out on something, but also to illustrate how completely insane our own minds can be.

As some of our readers might know, I have lost a lot of weight in the past few years. When I weighed 150 lbs, I had some fabulous, amazing and fashionable clothes. When I lost the weight, I didn’t get rid of them, because you never know what might happen. Gaining weight and having nothing to wear, and needing to go shopping again, can be a huge hassle.

However, when I moved to Germany, I lost weight, too. When I moved to Germany, I weighed about 150 on a good day. When I bought my first suit there, I weighed about 130 lbs and was so happy about having lost the weight. I bought that suit partially to celebrate the loss, and partially because I honestly just needed some new work clothes. A suit can go a long way in business, so I decided it would be a good investment.

Fast forward to my move to Japan in 2013: being off my meds had made me incredibly sick, and when I got here, I weighed about 105 lbs. I wasn’t happy about the weight loss as I hadn’t really done anything to get there, and I was also slightly underweight at that time.

This meant that most of the clothes that I had shipped to me just didn’t even fit. They were too big. I kept them in a plastic bin in my closet, convinced that the weight was going to come back.

Whenever I was having a ‘I feel overweight’ day, I would pull the bin out to try them on. And sometimes it was comforting when they didn’t fit me, and other times it was annoying, because I had clothes that I wanted to wear, and they were still too big for me.

I chose a hell of a week to start emotionally eating. As soon as the election results came in a week before my birthday, I was basically eating comfort food. Then my birthday came, and I decided to just eat whatever I wanted, including two delicious pieces of cheesecake on my birthday.

And since then, it appears I’ve got some weight back.

So I pulled the bin down to try on the clothes. And now some of them fit. And this is hysterical and wonderful at the same time. My mind has been telling me repeatedly that I’m overweight, I’m gaining the weight back, I look terrible, etc. This is how my mind has always worked, and it’s hard to fight it sometimes.

But the rub is that now I can fit into the amazing suit again. Just about… I currently weigh about 116 pounds, which is the most I’ve weighed in the entire 3 years that I’ve lived in Japan. And it’s still smaller than I ever was while living in Germany. The trousers on that suit are still slightly too big. And my mind is telling me I’ve gained too much weight, and I’m wearing a pair of trousers I bought when I was at my smallest in Germany.

GFY, brain. This shit looks great on me.

My goal now is to not outgrow that suit. That’s the only goal. Just maintain. I’m sure I’ll be fine now that I’m feeling completely disgusted by sweets after 2 weeks straight of eating mostly shit (and delicious pizza).

Advertisements

About germanymarie

I work hard, and I live hard.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s