Hello readers, happy almost-weekend!
Today was my first day back to yoga. As I stated in my last post, my plan was to get back to activity in general with walking and yoga. For the entire first week, I only walked. I walked every day, about 6k average, and it tired me out. While my boyfriend states that I’m definitely getting faster and walking smoother, I don’t feel SO amazing yet.
I decided to slow the walking to every other day and to try to get the yoga into the routine. It turns out that might not be the best idea: as I don’t have a yoga mat or my gloves, today was a disaster on multiple levels.
First, I think it’s important to explain my exact level of frustration with most things at the moment. As my mind is fully functional, when my hands or body won’t (or can’t) do something that I want them to do, I reach epic levels of frustration that I don’t normally experience. This is he end of month two, so it’s nothing new.
Imagine being an EXCELLENT cook and trying to do something basic, like using a spatula to flip an egg in a frying pan, and dropping the egg, breaking it, therefore ruining the fried egg/breakfast. These are the small things that keep happening that make me want to lose my shit lately. When this hits, it takes all of my strength to NOT punch my hand through the nearest piece of glass or wall, or throw whatever is in my hands, or yell at the boyfriend. I’ve seriously contemplated buying cheap glass or mirrors, just to have on hand so I can throw something really hard and break it. Because I really think that would be helpful and help me to release. It is really, truly frustrating to not be able to function properly, compounded by the fact that I’m sitting in a foreign country without a work visa. It is really, really not helping my overall mental state and is beyond stressful.
So add dysfunctional everything to trying to do yoga on the rug of my bedroom on day one, and it got pretty bad. Bad as in, I cursed repeatedly at the guy on the yoga video I’d chosen, bad. As I’m without a mat at the moment, I couldn’t do a down dog without slipping. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The space felt too small to adequately stretch out as needed, which led to feeling like I wasn’t getting anything out of the training. People downstairs are talking, the neighbor decided to mow the lawn. The only thing that didn’t happen was the phone ringing, which will never happen since my US card gets no service here. And that was just the non-yoga stuff.
Once we get into the actual practice of doing yoga, that too was a disaster. I couldn’t hold a pose without shaking, even laying on my back. I got dizzy and felt sick doing the cat/cow motions due to my issues with focus, and certainly couldn’t even be asked to lift my leg out of an open hip for tree post. I wasn’t even frustrated by how much I knew I could do but couldn’t, I was just frustrated by the fact that I could barely do ANYTHING. At this point, yoga feels like it might be a bad idea.
That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop doing it, it means I’ll give it a week and try to make appropriate changes. I won’t be getting a mat anytime soon but can maybe try to do yoga outside on pavement or in the grass, which could help. I could try to do it wearing headphones to stop some of the noise from distracting me. Doing yoga outside might also help with the breathing issue.
So that was day one with yoga. I’m actually thankful tomorrow is a walking day so I have some time to consider my options. I can’t believe how frustrated I got today, it is the exact opposite of what I want in a yoga routine! Let’s hope next time is better…