I’ve been having some ‘problems’ the past few weeks, and I’m not sure what to chalk them up to, exactly. I say this, because I think the problems might be a result of a few different things, which each happened to compound the other.
I absolutely expected to be somewhat depressed after coming back from Japan, as that is what happened last year, and I was right: I was slightly sad to be back to my normal life, but that soon gave way to normal life and normal things, so I wasn’t too concerned at first.
But then, about two weeks ago, the emotional shit started to hit the fan and all hell started to break loose. I couldn’t concentrate. I was thinking too much. Having trouble sleeping. Optic Neuritis. It was really warm out. I really, really missed my friends. All of this started to build slowly until BAM! I got hit with something like a breakdown earlier this week.
Oh, and did I mention that I haven’t seen my boyfriend for over a month? And that I’m on my period? And that I’ve been off of my birth control pills (which I’ve been on since 1999) for a month, due to not having any more with me in Japan when I got my period then? I start back on Sunday.
Uh, yeah. And when I sit here any type it all out, I think it’s pretty obvious that there was no way I was going to make it out of this past month without at least one fit of tears. But now, being on the other side of it and feeling something like ‘getting better’, I can see what felt like a downward spiral was really just a culmination of a series of influences; the two major ones being loneliness and hormonal imbalance.
I’ve been on the same birth control for most of the 12 years that I’ve been on it. I don’t really remember myself before the bc, but I do remember being a volatile teenager. That could be blamed on my age, or hormones, or whatever. But in the past few years, I can’t once recall ever having had cramps, or pms, or anything associated with typical time-o-the-month symptoms. But to stand here and see it, that’s exactly what all of this kind of looks like, even if it hasn’t been ‘me’ for a long, long time. I can’t remember.
I can say, though, that if this was in relation to not having taken my pills for a month (and seriously, I had cramps for a whole day last week and thought my ‘stomach just hurt’), then I might never go off them again, even after I’ve had the ligation I’m planning.
I’m sure it wasn’t JUST the hormonal change that brought all of this on, but I’m also sure that it didn’t help!! I’ve never felt as down, useless and flat-out tired in my entire adult life as I did the past 7 days. I’m glad to be over it and out of it, and I’m happy to report that my workout yesterday actually alleviated a lot of the sadness I was feeling (as did a skype session with Michelle: thank you!!).
I guess it just goes to show that we’re all human, and no one is perfect. I’ve been having a great time with bodyrock and working out, and am so thankful to have the support group that I have, even if it’s mostly digital with a side of skype. If it hadn’t been for my friends pulling me out the past few days, I might not be writing this right now. I’d still be a pile on my floor.